I felt incredibly blessed as I received email after email of people pledging to pray with me. It was really interesting to see who responded, and how quickly they responded. I was constantly writing, 'Thank you for praying with me,' 'I'm so touched that you're doing this with me,' and I meant it every time. I've often thought that my church-family is well spread out now, but I've never called on them en masse before. From Portland Foursquare, to NCCS, to George Fox, to Resonate, not to mention my family, which often functions like a church in it of itself. Thank you to all who are praying - thank you young moms who already have your hands full. Thank you church family that helped raise me, and haven't forgotten me. Thank you friends from high school, spread around the US who are making time to pray for me, even though our paths no longer cross. Thank you friends from college, church, old friends, and new friends - I am incredibly blessed to have you on my side.
I was excited to enter into this time of prayer whole-heartedly. Then - BAM! I was hit with 3 days of persistent, dull headaches, and defeating struggle with the grief I feel. In the past, anytime I dedicate a time of prayer to God, He guides my focus to a completely different area of life that He wants me to address. I need to focus on my next move, but I have to do it with the life-premises that God's directing me toward.
The theme that's been developing over the last several months is "How can I live out 'Singleness' well?" It's an awkward topic, filled with bitterness, insipid and inane platitudes, false declarations, and a whole lot of deprecation. There's a lot of talk about how to endure it, how to move past it, and how NOT to do it, but there's very little real teaching on how to live as a single person well. I feel like this is the lens through which I'll plan my next step. 'How are these two ideas related?' you may ask. I have no idea. But it's only day 3 out of 30.
Thank you again to all of you who have prayed for me this past week, and all who are joining me next week.Two work opportunities are currently dominating my thoughts. I don't know if God's giving me options, or if they reflect things I selfishly want for myself. Maybe neither, maybe both.
- Please pray that I don't artificially polarize my options by not exploring other possibilities.
- Please pray that I'll kick this lingering headache, and that my grief is proportionate to the amount of time God wants me to focus on it.
- Please pray for discernment over my dreams. Sometimes my dreams are significant, and sometimes they mess with my head.**
- Please pray that God's voice will be incredibly loud and obnoxiously obvious. That's exactly what I need right now, a divine fog-horn of direction.
- Please pray for my two dear Chinese friends with whom I've begun Book-study. Both are very dear to my heart. It's been ridiculously fun and honoring to see them interact with the Book for the first time, and challenging theologically to adequately explain ideas that I'm very comfortable with. It's like watching a baby eat whipped cream for the first time, or explaining to a child why someone has a different color of skin. It's delightful, reminiscent, and you realize that the words you choose aren't informational: they're a formative part of that person's understanding. It's an amazing thing.
- Please pray for a clear schedule. I have a lot of research and resume writing to do, and grade, finals, and the holidays are looming.
"I thank my God every time I think of you. Whenever I pray for all of you I always pray with joy, because you have shared in proclaiming the Good News from the very first day until now."
Philippians 1:3-5
*Culture Week is an extremely stressful time of year for the foreigners at this university. We're required to represent culture from the WHOLE WORLD with very limited resources and funds. We all live in the same building, so the atmosphere is really tense.
**For example: Last night I dreamt about my wedding. It was at night under an overpass, looking out over a quiet river as the city lights flickered out over the water. There were few guests, about 75. I wore a perfect gown. I remember thinking that it wasn't what I thought I would've picked, but it was perfect, long-sleeved and satin, almost off-the-shoulder, with pink highlights. My hair was simple, long and curled. I was slender, but not skinny. The music was soothing, the ambiance calm and expectant. and then he didn't come. And I walked away from all those spectators dry-eyed. This isn't the first time I've dreamt about being left at the altar, but it's been years since the last dream. Maybe it means something. Maybe it's just a reflection of my pain. Either way, it nags at my waking hours.
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