Day 17: Researched Whelmed

I've often heard and repeated the joke about being 'whelmed.'  If a person can be overwhelmed, and underwhelmed, then why can't someone just be whelmed?  The joke of course is that 'whelmed isn't a real word.*  And what would it mean anyways?

My search for work has led me to the definition of what it means to be 'whelmed.'  I know there are scads of opportunities for work out in the world, and that much of it can be discovered with a few clicks on my computer.  But how do I know if I'm viewing credible schools?  Maybe I've just discovered a good website.  How do I know if the country is a place I could spend a large chunk of time.  Do I guess?  Ideally I'd visit each place, but I don't have extracurricular funds for wise ventures like that.  I can do a ton of research, which could easily make me feel overwhelmed, but I can easily get frustrated, or underwhelmed, by the information that's missing from the websites of individual schools.  So here we get at the definition of whelmed: the knowledge that the resources you need exist, but you lack the information or experience needed to procure them.

I'm headed into the third week of my prayer month, and I feel like God is pointing me in toward one or two open doors, but I haven't yet diligently pursued other options.  I think God uses open doors as guides, but I don't want to lazily take the path of least resistance.  I don't want the echoes of 'What if...'  to follow me to my next job.  I want to sink my teeth into my next job, and I can't do that if there's a language barrier.  If I choose another international position, I'll have to invest time and effort into learning the language.**  Tonight I started researching individual schools in a few Eastern European countries, but I think I was getting the cart before the horse.

Here's the new plan:

1. Listen to a news reel in the country's indigenous language.
2. Listen to traditional music.
3. Learn about the country's history, read its news, and find out what's trending socially.

THE NEWS REEL.  When I first arrived in China, I had a difficult time adjusting to the sound of spoken Chinese.  I find it rather gutteral and accusatory.  My apologies if it's your native language, or if you find it entrancing.  My opinion is merely an opinion, and that's how it lands in my ears.  As a musician, it's difficult to be constantly surrounded by sounds that seem harsh and unyielding.  My current plan is really helpful because I associate the sound of the language with the country as I read about it.

TRADITIONAL MUSIC.  I was a musician before I became a teacher.  There are some parts of Chinese music that really appeal to me, and there are other forms of music that are difficult for me to engage with/reconcile to/understand/enjoy/tolerate - take your pic of descriptor as you listen to Exhibit A. (This piece is actually pretty easy to get into.)

HISTORY, NEWS, AND TRENDS.  I think these topics are pretty self explanatory.  Sometimes I find myself woefully ignorant about basic information, like current politicians, names of provinces and territories, and common expectations of foreigners.  I need to know the basics before I enter into another country long-term.

So far, this process has taught me that Albanian is too angular for me to listen to for more than a few minutes, and Georgian music sounds like Argentinian Folk sung in Arabic.  Not bad for a couple hours of internet time.***

• Please pray that I only give community input its due amount of import.  My goal this month is to listen for God's guidance, not the crowd's.  I need discernment.
• Please pray for health.  I got a hit of food poisoning this morning. That's never fun.
• Please pray that people will step up as prayer partners over the Thanksgiving holiday.
• Please pray for creative direction and possibilities, for the merging of ideas, and release of desire for things that aren't a part of the best design.  I enough ideas and inspirations for a hundred lifetimes, and sometimes that can be counterproductive to decision making.
• Please pray that the students I am supposed to teach will take a prominent position in my heart as I look ahead.

And health and health and health....food poisoning is just the worst thing created.  Ever.****

*Just kidding, it is.  I noticed my spellcheck wasn't angry, so I looked it up.  Apparently it's a verb that means 'to wheel around' or 'to wheedle out.'  And now you know the rest of the story.

**Thanks to a couple of blunt and discouraging teachers, I have an aversion toward learning languages.  One told me that I couldn't understand my classmate's appreciation for their native cultures, and another actually described my French as 'atrocious' and 'sterile.'  Now that I can evaluate these people through my teacher-lens, I can see that they themselves weren't very good teachers.  Even so, I have very little confidence when it comes to acquiring new languages.  I'm not accustomed to lacking confidence.  I don't handle it very well.

***I have further decided that the internet is a magical place that reveals the secrets of the universe.  Seriously, it's amazing that it can all fit into a cellphone.

****Besides heartbreak.

Re-Entry

If ever I take a break from writing, I feel compelled to explain myself when I resume.

On August 26, I flew back to China via LA and Seoul.  Somehow I managed to get over jet-lag within a week, and threw myself into faculty meetings and preparations for the year.  It's amazing how much easier life is this year.  I know where things are, I know how to interact with people I can't talk to, and the culture shock is, well, less shocking.  Surprises are amusing instead of mind-boggling, and I have a better understanding how to balance the expending and recharging of my time and energy.  In addition, I've lost 30 pounds since August!  Sounds like life's been pretty good, right?  Yay for me!

So this is what I've been telling people.  All of it is true.  But that's not what's truly been consuming my energy, thoughts and heart.

A week before I left America, I experienced a significant personal loss.  The blow was unexpected and savage, shredding me in ways that I haven't felt in years.*  My fingertips were numb for days, but the rest of me wouldn't stop feeling.  Goodbyes were stunted as I threw what little energy I had into packing for another year abroad.**  Those closest to me took turns caring for me, encouraging me, or explaining how it would all be "worth it in the long run."  Days blurred, and I kissed my family goodbye, and flew away from everything.

And then the Nothing.  The loss, the Nothing, with its immense, commanding presence, came with me. 

Every day I've looked at Nothing and responded.  I've wished that I could quit, but quitting has never been an option for me.  How can I?  Life moves, and I don't have the choice to stand still.  It feels like playing Halo with my brother.***  There's nothing I muck up quite so thoroughly as playing Halo with my brother.  He's patient with me, but usually ends up laughing as my solider moves around in circles, shoots at the sky, or runs into a wall repeatedly as he gets shot.  I'm proud when I can walk my character in a straight line, and ecstatic when he does what I intended him to do.  That's how I've felt for the past two months.  I look at Nothing, and try.  Sometimes I end up huddled against a wall, trying to remember how to turn around before I get shot.  Other times I walk in a straight line and duck when I need to.  Unlike Halo, I can't opt out of this game with Nothing.

I'm stubborn.  I get frustrated being stuck in this place that I don't want to be in, tired of the colors in my world being dimmed.  God knows all things, but I don't.  Sometimes it makes me angry that He leaves me out of the loop, even when logic tells me that it may be for my benefit.  He's been patient with my frustration, leading me when I'm able to bear it, and not before.  Look out for more on that in future posts.

It's been a grim season.  I've learned that faith doesn't always feel sustaining, and that trusting doesn't always encourage the heart.  One can trust and hurt.  One can have faith and suffer.  For the past two months, I've vacillated between wanting to hide inside myself, and wanting the world to understand how deeply this struck.  My experience as a performer has been invaluable; I'm experienced at boxing up and setting aside my feelings to achieve a task, even if it feels unnatural.  Much has felt unnatural these past weeks.  It's only been in this last week that I feel like I'm coming back to myself a bit.

When I first re-entered China, I thought often about how I needed to update my blog.  For the first three weeks, the idea of writing made my hands drop heavily to my sides.  I can't lie here.  It's one thing to wear a smile for a stranger, and it's another thing to write with shallow happiness.  For me, to write is to create Something, and my Nothing was too agonizingly vivid.  I write now to re-enter my writing world, to create again.  It may not be pretty, but I have to start somewhere.

To all my dear friends who will be concerned on my behalf: I'm not alone here, just choosing a little quiet space.  Many good things have happened in the past two months that have encouraged and uplifted me.  I'm not going to break. :)

*To the person I lost: I still exist.  Your silence is so very loud.

**If I failed to REALLY say goodbye to you, I apologize whole-heartedly.  It was due to my pain, not to the lack of affection I feel for my friends.

***My brother and I do a weird variety of really enjoyable stuff so we can spend time together.  Sometimes that includes late-night happy hour after 8-hr shifts, running errands across the city, picking out weird instruments in a soundtrack, or cooking really great food.