Losing My Words

Words have always meant a great deal to me.  I was a voracious reader as a child. I read Gone With the Wind, Roots, Uncle Tom’s Cabin, and Mere Christianity before I even entered high school.  An insightful phrase or witticism is delightful to my ears and mind.

Words have meaning and power – when coming from the right person.  A million words from one person may mean little, but a few from the right person can mean so many things.

At the moment I don’t feel like I’m doing justice to a topic I care so much about.  Then again, that IS the point of this post.  In China, I have no words.  Yes, I can say ‘hello’ and ‘thank you.’   (Chinese feels funny in my mouth, even more strange than German.  What I wouldn’t give for a diction coach!)  I’m learning my numbers and how to point at something in a store and say ‘this one.’  But these are not words of eloquence; these are words of function.  It’s a crippling feeling to have so many words, but none of the right ones.  Sometimes people will work with you to communicate, and sometimes they don’t.  It made me feel dumb at first, and then I learned a minimum amount of words necessary to go shopping or buy food.

I got a few surprises as a result of my loss of words.  First of all, I get to be an introvert and an extrovert at the same time. (Would that be a bi-trovert?)  I can walk out in a crowd of people by myself (sorry mom, it happens) and still be completely alone.  I pantomime if I want or need to, but few people actually try to talk to me unless they know a little English.  I will say that about the Chinese people – they are so hospitable that even if they only know 4-5 words of English, they will use them to try to connect with a stranger.  But in general, people leave me alone.

In America I enjoy people-watching, especially during the holidays. (We’re an intriguing bunch during that carefree season.)  When I’m out and about in China, I’ve noticed that I sometimes avoid eye-contact, or looking at people’s faces.  Somehow, the fact that I can’t talk to people leads me to avoid connecting with them too directly.  I realized this just a few days ago, and it’s not my favorite self-development so far.  My goal is to remind myself to truly see people, even if I fear that I can’t connect with them well.  And of course to collect more and more of the right words.