Culture-Win

The following is an excerpt from a letter I wrote to a friend a couple weeks ago after an incredibly successful evening out with my students.


"I had a major 'culture-win' tonight.

Compared to the stories I hear from other teachers, I am incredibly blessed with amazing students. At the beginning of the year, skill and work ethic levels were all across the board. At this point of the year, all of my students follow me, almost all of them respect me, and many (maybe most?) of them like me. Except for ONE.

In my largest class, there are two stink butts*. One of them is completely disengaged 90% of the time, but she's respectful about it. The other one is AWFUL - heaving heavy sighs, rollings his eyes, laying his head on the desk, looking straight into my eyes and keeping his mouth closed when he's supposed to be practicing new sounds or words. Every student has a day when they're not learning well, but he's consistently a disrespectful jerk that I want to kick in the shins.** I've worked really hard to handle it in ways that don't make him lose face, because 1) if he's embarrassed, he'll shut me out. 2) If the class feels bad for him, they will ALL shut me out. After months of covert effort with moderate success, I finally hit a point yesterday where I felt like I was the one losing face by allowing him to treat me the way he does.

The way to handle conflict in China is to use a mediator to soften the blow. The way Americans (especially me) handle conflict is swift, clear confrontation. See the problem there? I hate involving a third party. Why make more drama than necessary? But my first goal is to create an environment that will help my students learn - their culture, their rules. So after class I invited my monitor (class leader) out to dinner tonight, told her vaguely that I wanted to discuss a couple of problems and invited her to bring a friend she trusted along. I didn't want her to feel too isolated. Chinese business meetings are 90% social exchanges, then a 10% business, usually at the end of a full meal. When I met my student that night, I saw she brought not one, but NINE STUDENTS from my class! I thought, 'Well....nevermind then. We'll just have fun.' Following tradition, we got a private room in a nice little restaurant, they gave me the honor seat (such a subtle, lovely nicety), and ate fantastic food. It was really fun to swap girl-talk with my students!

After we had finished, the monitor asked me what it was that I wanted to talk about. Then I realized that they were all aware of and completely ready to talk through the issues. I never mentioned the problem-student by name, but when described the problems, it it was obvious they knew who I was talking about. I said over and over that as a CLASS I was very pleased with them, but that I felt loss of face because of this one person's disrespect. What followed was an excellent and open conversation.

These 10 women are all committed, consistent students, and there are only 35 students in the whole class. I talked through my problem, described how I would approach it in America and my concern with the cultural conflict if I used the same tactics in China. They appeared to respect and appreciate the consideration, and they gave excellent feedback. I cannot explain how affected I was by the riveted attention and serious expressions on their faces. They were concerned WITH me about the problem, displaying an amazing level of maturity and invested care. I felt respected on a very deep level.

We exchanged ideas, and they laughed when they told me, "Back in the dorms, we talk about how smart you are about how you respond to people who don't listen very well and how you rearrange the classroom!" They also mentioned the overall positive change in attitude about class since the beginning of the year. We talked about activities that did and didn't work well. Luckily they were most critical about stupid activities that I was REQUIRED to teach! So I told them, "Yeah, I thought that was dumb too. My boss told me I had to teach this idea this way." We all laughed, and had a wonderful conversation about learning theory and how an activity that isn't helpful for one person can be very important for the learning of another person. I could see their worlds exploding a little bit - I love it when that happens!

An unrelated but meaningful part of the night were a couple of short, powerful conversations about how to recognize the difference between good and bad men. (Chinese college-aged girls have a reputation among the foreigners for being idealistic, naive, and uneducated about relationships. They idealize traditional male-female roles and they have no sex education. Many of my college-age students are sexually active, but they don't know how babies are made or what STD's are because it's taboo to talk about.) Many Chinese women are victims of physical abuse. We talked about the personality traits of good men, how to see them, which kinds of men to avoid. They were so attentive - I could see that some of them had only talked about it once or twice, and many of them not at all.

After dinner we took a walk through the park holding hands (yes, I've expanded my cultural comfort-bubble to accept holding hands with a woman), learning words in Chinese and telling stories. We made plans to go to KTV (a karaoke chain), ride bikes to the mountain, and go pick strawberries.

I feel like this was an all-around complete "culture win." I had a problem, stepped out of my cultural comfort-zone, followed Chinese protocol, and won the respect of my students. They felt empowered to speak openly and wholly considered a perspective very different from their own. Now all I have to do is show that I've truly heard their feedback, which won't be difficult at all. Even if the stinker student completely flies off the handle, I know that a third of my class made of the best, most vocal students will see it as a temper tantrum instead of a reaction to an "offensive foreigner." They will be supporting ME. There was so much potential for things to go badly tonight, but I took the time, did it right, and it really paid off.

It was such a rich, rewarding experience. It was one of those times that remind me just how much my students matter to me."

I still prefer direct communication, but I'm proud that I was able to relate with my students in the way they needed me to.

*Stink-butt is a technical teacher-term

**I've never actually tried this

Awkward Moments

I expected to experience new things in China: tastes, smells, sounds, sights, confusions.  But equally new and surprisingly unexpected are the awkward exchanges between me and Chinese people.  Something will happen, the Chinese person will walk away, and my inner child is left squishing up her face saying, 'Wait. What? Hold on now - WHAT just happened?'  Then I tuck away my anecdote, pat the inner child on the head, and go on with my day.

Sound a little vague?  Lemme 'splain.

I hate my phone, but at least
it's purple and sparkly.

During my first week here, I went to the store with my friend while he bought a phone.  He was busy with the culture student (college students with AWESOME English and extra knowledge of American culture who often help us translate) so I practiced my pantomime skills and discussed the price of iphones in America with the store employees.  The girls got really excited and asked to take pictures with me (of course).  They pulled me really close - friendship in China is high contact - talked about my makeup and then one brave soul leaned in close...and very gently touched my eyelashes.  Then I heard Michael (the culture student gasp) and yell 'No!' and I thought, 'Yup, that happened.'  Poor guy.  I thought he was gonna have a heart attack.

China was a closed country for so long that the sight of foreigners is still relatively new.  People are used to seeing the laowai on campus, but a trip into town reminds me that I'm definitely the 'other.'  I constantly see people sneaking pictures of their white friend (ie: they saw me on the street) or suddenly grabbing me for pictures.  Sometimes people push their young children at me for pictures, like a tourist attraction.  The brave ones hold up two shaky fingers in a peace sign and stare wide-eyed into the camera.  And yes, I've had children run away in fear.  Who does that?  Geez, in MY country we only forced children to take pictures with fat old men in red furry suits or people dressed like giant bunnies.  Because that's not frightening at all....

---> The next section is about a squattie potty.  Avoid if you are faint of heart or an overly visual thinker.

I think the most awkward moment I've had with a stranger so far was at a rest stop on the way to Xi'an. Squattie potties are inherently awkward, and usually filthy and smelly. (I will never complain at an American rest stop ever again.)  Sometimes there are no doors on the stalls, or they don't lock, or won't shut.  Depending on the line and sense of urgency, sometimes you just suck it up and discreetly take care of business.  (Chinese women don't seem to care, so you adapt, right?)  Anyways, I was traveling to Xi'an when this very situation presented itself.  My priority was all about completing business, so I opted to blitz through the crowd to a stall without a door.  A Chinese woman took that opportunity to stare straight into my eyes....and I couldn't get away.  I tried to shoot her a look that communicated something along the lines of 'Surely this is a mistake...' But she maintained a direct and intent study of my face.  The. Whole. Time.  All of my friends stood with their mouths hanging open, and tried to build a human shield as best they could.  I feel like all people know that direct eye contact is not okay when someone is...busy.  Utterly flabbergasting!  Back on the bus I was speechless, (a miracle!) but that's okay, because my friends told the whole bus....groan...  Yeah, maybe I shouldn't post this, but it was SO absurd!

---> End of the potty part.

I was back at my favorite coffee shop the other day, and a teenage girl found me interesting, so she watched me from the table next to me.  She tried to talk to me, but she didn't speak any English, so she kept staring.  Then she walked over to the wall divider by my table, rested her chin on her hand, her face maybe 20 inches away from my face, watching.  Maybe 20 minutes went by as I tried to work.  So very disconcerting.  I go to this shop to get away from people who could distract me from my grading.  Focus fail.  In hindsight, the girl may have been a little mentally impaired, but it wasn't glaringly apparent.  Still, the proximity made it really awkward.



All kinds of strange things happen here, but a special few leave me with that unique, slightly blank feeling and the thought, 'Yes. Yes, that just happened.'  Some of them are purely cultural differences.  Others happen because people allow curiosity to override manners.  I'm sure I've been guilty of that more than once in my life, and I'm sure people could easily provide examples!  At the end of the day you just put your face in your hands, laugh, take your inner child by the hand and move along.

Wretched Edibles

If you know me, you know that I love food.  All kinds of food.  Coming from a long line of inventive cooks makes you believe that any food can be redeemed.  Until moving to China there was only one food I couldn’t manage to swallow: raw zucchini.

(Notice the qualifier?  RAW zucchini.  Yes, I’m aware that zucchini bread rocks, zucchini relish is creative, and broiled zucchini is fall staple, but I cannot manage to swallow that crud raw.)

26 years, and there’s only one thing on the never-never list.

THEN I MOVED TO CHINA.

Preface:  I love the food here!  So creative and different, the best comfort food, ridiculous variety-- I’ve been blown away by how great the food is.  But some things….should just never be.

#1.  Sea Cucumber

I was aware that people eat sea cucumber in China, so when I saw a translucent tentacle-ish thing at an elegant banquet, I was eager to try it.  Imagine a dense jello that tastes like water and slides down with all the elegance of a rubber glove.  It was like eating a tense jelly-fish.  You’re not sure whether to chew, slurp, mush, or just swallow the thing whole and pretend like it never happened.

#2.  Things shaped like eyeballs

During my second week here I went out to hotpot with a group of experienced teachers.  Hotpot is a fantastic eating experience, delicious, social, interactive – all the fun of fondue without the peril of boiling oil.  In my individual bowl of broth there was a random assortment of veggies and spices to which I added meat, mushrooms, and more vegetables.  About halfway through the meal I found a mystery item – something round, slightly translucent, with a thin skin about the size of a quail’s egg.  It struck me as looking vaguely like an eyeball, but I chose to think of it as a marinated quail egg and just eat it.  Then it popped in my mouth.  Grittiness.  End of story.  Add to the never-never list: check.

#3.  Stinky Tofu

People have compared stinky tofu to a cheese before, a fermented food product that smells, but still tastes delicious.  The first time you smell stinky tofu, you expect to stumble over a corpse somewhere, and that’s saying something once you realize it smells worse than the garbage lying mounded in the summer sun.  As I child, I hated dog-duty.  (Yup, the doody-duty.)  Summer was the worst because of the combination of dirt, dried grass, and doody.  Imagine that smell combined with fetid diapers and corpse-ish-ness.  And then imagine putting it in your mouth.  WHY WOULD ANY SANE PERSON DO THAT????  I got some by accident on my last day in Xi’an.  It was disguised by soup and some benign-looking chicken.  The taste?  A whole lot like the smell.  I tried a few bites for politeness’s sake, but I have to say again, WHY WOULD A PERSON EVER PUT THAT IN THEIR MOUTH?? And on PURPOSE?!

If you feel like I’m being judgmental, then you are absolutely correct.  I have adventured, experienced, tasted, and judged that these vile things will never pass my lips again.

(Jesus, you hold the one trump card, but PLEASE, let this plate pass.)

Duck in the coop

Right now I’m sitting in a hammock on the roof of my apartment building.  The air has gradually grown thick over the past four days, air, pollution, and humidity vying for the same space.  Now it’s raining, thick, heavy, lazy drops, pinging on the tin roof-top covering the area where we hang our clothes to dry.  Clothes, cloth, cloths – I’ve explained the difference between those words five times in the last two days to about 135 students.  My hammock isn’t the driest place, but as long as my computer is safe, I’m not going to miss out on the quietest outdoors experience I’ve had in weeks.  I love listening to the rain here – the air feels different, but the sound is familiar.

The last couple of weeks have been a little interesting.  I thought culture shock would be a sad feeling, or an intolerant perspective, or a nagging whininess because a person expects everything to be the same as home is.  It’s more like being the only duck in a coop full of chickens.  Everyone has feathers and wings just like you, but somehow you keep expecting to find a pond somewhere.  Culture shock isn’t the longing for the pond – it’s the expectation of finding one.

Sometimes the contrast of cultures is little; you sneeze, I say, “Bless you.”  WHY?  Old world superstition.  What an awkward thing to explain to a student.  Sometimes the contrast is blatant.  Babies don’t wear diapers, so their pants are split open until they’re two or three.  You learn to avoid all puddles.

The hardest thing for me is the noise – constant, blaring, haranguing noise.  The Chinese express everything with BIG sound.  Happiness, anger, grief, motivation = noise!  They also mark every notable event with firecrackers: relationships, births, deaths, building dedications, street performances, weddings, or maybe just because it’s Tuesday!  I’m learning to enjoy these outbursts of sound at remarkable decibels because it is a joyous expression.  It’s been years since anyone has called me ‘quiet,’ but even with my training in projection, some of my student still can’t hear me.  I really think their hearing is already damaged!  Add to the list of necessary China gear: earplugs.

At the same time, the clash of worlds is kind of wonderful.  I missed dinner last night (for choir practice, obviously) so I trekked out to the food district across the street from the university.  Food carts were pulled out along the side of the road, with meat kabobs or fried bread or giant biscuit sandwiches, long tables filled with a million different noodles, marinating snails, sliced lotus, or boiled dumplings.  Everything is vivid, or it would be if it weren’t covered in a fine layer of dust.  Red chipped paint on the carts, yellow and green advertisements high on both sides of the brightly lit alleyway.  People lounge at long tables on each side of the streets, kind of like a community food court outside.  I walked through last night, pretty hungry, but wanting something new.  Between my white face, broken Chinese, and awesome pantomime, I bought cold marinated noodles with just the right amount of spice while locals pretended like they weren’t taking pictures of me with their smart phones.  It was a good night to be out there, the night sky and tantalizing smells – then I laughed as I realized I was trudging around an alley in some of my best clothes! 

That’s culture shock phase #2 – growing accustomed to something, then realizing how absurd it would seem in a different context.  It’s high-sensory living, amazingly enjoyable and energy consuming.  I find I need a lot more sleep.

The air is still dense, but cooler now.  I feel like fall is one step closer.  I wish I had cinnamon – it would complete my perfect bowl of oatmeal!  But as I sit in my hammock on the other side of the laundry, dreaming of perfect fall oatmeal, I’m also taking in the view; a pagoda and the replica of a Russian castle, both illuminated with brightly colored Christmas lights.  Quack!

Losing My Words

Words have always meant a great deal to me.  I was a voracious reader as a child. I read Gone With the Wind, Roots, Uncle Tom’s Cabin, and Mere Christianity before I even entered high school.  An insightful phrase or witticism is delightful to my ears and mind.

Words have meaning and power – when coming from the right person.  A million words from one person may mean little, but a few from the right person can mean so many things.

At the moment I don’t feel like I’m doing justice to a topic I care so much about.  Then again, that IS the point of this post.  In China, I have no words.  Yes, I can say ‘hello’ and ‘thank you.’   (Chinese feels funny in my mouth, even more strange than German.  What I wouldn’t give for a diction coach!)  I’m learning my numbers and how to point at something in a store and say ‘this one.’  But these are not words of eloquence; these are words of function.  It’s a crippling feeling to have so many words, but none of the right ones.  Sometimes people will work with you to communicate, and sometimes they don’t.  It made me feel dumb at first, and then I learned a minimum amount of words necessary to go shopping or buy food.

I got a few surprises as a result of my loss of words.  First of all, I get to be an introvert and an extrovert at the same time. (Would that be a bi-trovert?)  I can walk out in a crowd of people by myself (sorry mom, it happens) and still be completely alone.  I pantomime if I want or need to, but few people actually try to talk to me unless they know a little English.  I will say that about the Chinese people – they are so hospitable that even if they only know 4-5 words of English, they will use them to try to connect with a stranger.  But in general, people leave me alone.

In America I enjoy people-watching, especially during the holidays. (We’re an intriguing bunch during that carefree season.)  When I’m out and about in China, I’ve noticed that I sometimes avoid eye-contact, or looking at people’s faces.  Somehow, the fact that I can’t talk to people leads me to avoid connecting with them too directly.  I realized this just a few days ago, and it’s not my favorite self-development so far.  My goal is to remind myself to truly see people, even if I fear that I can’t connect with them well.  And of course to collect more and more of the right words.