Questions, Answers, and Turning Points

When I was 17, I took a class called Honors American Studies which was a blend of English and History.  Toward the end of the year we were told to write a paper based on the life of a historical figure.  We were told to identify the 'turning point' of the person's life and base the paper on that thesis. It was a bit difficult to use an occurrence as a thesis, but the assignment did serve to launch me on a deeper level of introspection almost immediately.  I wondered "What will my 'turning point' be? What do I want it to be? Do I have any say over this?"  It didn't take me long to realize that you can't choose which events will be significant in your life.  Memorable words are seldom platitudes, phases can be as significant as events, and who you choose to become is as much a part of your identity as your immediate inclinations are.  I realized then that I will never be able to identify my own 'turning point,' if there even is such a thing.  Only in hindsight can a person see the importance of events and patterns that guide a life.

I've always felt a sense of urgency to do well, to do right, to be thorough.  These are good things, but the urgency is noted by people around me.  Those who don't like it say I'm intense, driven, OCD, over-the-top, intimidating, and stubborn.  People who like it say I'm confident, thorough, detailed, passionate, persistent, and strong.  All I know is that God's given me two deep desires: to know, and to protect.

I love Ecclesiastes because it talks about the God-given thirst for understanding and how He keeps it forever beyond our grasp.  I know that this paradox exists to keep me in a listening posture, but some questions circle around like a familiar echo, sometimes intriguing, sometimes reminding me of the empty places where answers should be.

I expect this year to be a turning point.  Maybe I'll be told to stay.  Maybe I'll be told to return.  Maybe I'll be told to go somewhere else.  But maybe this will be just another year.  Maybe there will be no big revelation.  I don't get to decide when and where those happen.  I know that I'm in a position of listening and following, and that toys with my independent, driven spirit.


Before I left America, a good friend gave me a song by Britt Nicole.  I had never heard it before, but I knew it belonged to me from the first time I heard it.  There are so many layers of meaning, but what's striking me at the moment are these lines:

"And I'll stop searching for the answers,

I'll stop praying for an escape,

And I'll trust you, God, with where I am,

And believe that You will have your way."

I honestly don't know if I can do this, actually stop looking for answers.  My curiosity and drive are so strong.  I believe God will have His way with me - I just want to know what it is and if I'm doing well.

This post may sound sad.  I don't feel very sad, there are just things I wish I had clearer answers about.  Until I have them, I just remind myself that life is clearer in hindsight, and that following is sometimes more important than answers.

"Even if my dreams have died,

And even if I don't survive,

I'll still worship You with all my life."