Wonderful Water

After sleeping for 31/2 hours, I taught three classes and managed to eat dinner before collapsing on my sofa.  I was covered with a fine layer of China-grit, my legs and stomach ached, and my noses-knowses-my-toeses-weren't-roses.  My living room bore the wreckage of Hurricane Semester-Grades, but I tried to ignore it as I zoned out on my computer, chatting with a friend.

I decided that putting China-grit in my bed was an option too disgusting to consider.  I maneuvered around dirty dishes and piles of laundry* to flip on my hot water, weeping inwardly over my lack of a bathtub.  Then I remembered that I had hot water.  Not just hot water, but a hot water TANK, which I inherited (for free) when I moved into my apartment.  Having a tank means that I can have hot water whenever I want it, and I don't run out.  Then I thought about how I had finished my grades on time without feeling stressed out or having to run to class.  Of course, I HAD to finish them early because I had a morning Skype-date with a friend in Portland.

And then I had a mocha.
Then a student checked up on me after class because I seemed down. (Tired.)
Then talked with another friend in Chile after my classes.
While I was drinking an imported beverage.
Then I streamed a TV show. (Because I have the best wifi signal in our apartment building.)
A TV show in English.

These thoughts were running through my head, and before I realized it, I was singing along with the radio, thanks to technology, awesome wifi, and companies who think that music should be free.  And to top it off, a friend gave me a water dispenser this week.  I put down a one-time, refundable $6.50 deposit.  I now have access to free filtered water delivered to my door for as long as I want.  Things that are the norm in America just....aren't a guarantee in other countries.  I'm not being sarcastic or dramatic when I say that I'm really excited that I can fill my water bottle before class without having to boil water, ask for water from a tea shop, or wait 3 minutes as the machine in the cafeteria fills my bottle one drop at a time.  I have water - hot water in my shower, and clean water in my bottle.  I have access to international friends, music, entertainment, and I live in China, engaging in life through a completely new venue with people that I really enjoy.

I'm still exhausted.  I still want a bathtub and a cheeseburger.  But I have to say, my life is pretty awesome.


*I'm not typically a slob, but at the end of the term housework is low on my list of priorities.

Picking up the Pace

An excerpt from an email to a friend.

She said: "Hey, what's up with you?"

I said:

Hey.
- Grades.
- Final Reviews.
- Meetings about MORE employment next year.
- I met the UN head of Women's issues for the country of Morocco. She's going to connect me with the UN Director of NGOs in Palestine.
- Applying for a professional Fulbright Grant to do research.
- Considering getting a second Masters next year in sociology.
- I think I have a new mentor - a fascinating French Canadian woman who studied the rise/fall of the women's movement in the M.E. We had an immediate connection.
- And hey, I mentioned grading and finals, right? Ugh, stress.
- Still no airplane tickets. If there's no improvement, I'm buying a kayak.

There are sooooo many things going on right now, fascinating things, exciting things, motivational things, ALL-THE-THINGS!  I have two partially written posts explaining what's been going on.  I hope to have a full-ish report to give you all by this weekend.

The Future

I miss school. Being IN school. Maybe I just miss the structure of having someone tell me EXACTLY how to go about doing my work, or maybe I miss having colleagues hold me accountable to an extremely high standard. Or the smell of new books or the energy of a college hallway. Which sounds ridiculous considering that I work AT a college. Someday I'll go back. Someday when I have money and know which PhD program I want. When I get there, I will have paid off all my loans, acquired the perfect body and a sailboat that I will be able to sail successfully on my own across multiple hemispheres. I'll be finishing my final draft of a book, which I'll write to satisfy the requests of my blog followers. In my mind's eye, I have the perfect haircut and a grey power-suit with a pencil skirt that never wrinkles. Wonderfully cultured men will vie for my attention, but I don't have time for them. The choirs I teach will perfectly incorporate indigenous instruments from whatever culture I live in. My compositions will be highly sought after, and the concerts I conduct will move people to tears. (In a good way.) Every morning will begin with yoga, a cup of tea, and a good book. Powerful people will listen to my opinions respectfully, and I'll build schools for forgotten people in unfathomable places. In fact, the UN will be grooming me to work in a position developing international educational systems, but I may opt to be a professor at my alma mater instead. I'll have some kind of absurd pet, like a skunk or a monkey or a lemur named either Sylvia or Charles. And I will never sweat. I think I'll get there in the next 10 years.

The future is a good place.

In other news, I'll be returning to China next year.

Sweeping Change of Plans

The past three days have been a whirlwind of meetings, ideas, and a striking change of plans.

A couple of months ago, I decided that I would not return to China next year.  There were a number of reasons, but the most pertinent factors were position (I should be teaching music, not English), salary (American sized-debt needs American-sized salary), and a couple of core-level culture clashes.*

This weekend I was invited to be a part of an interview team for the World Academy for the Future of Women.**  It's possible that I'll be writing more about this organization in the future.  For now, I'll just say that it's a club focused on propagating confident and effect women in leadership positions.  Besides interviews, I'm also teaching the club members a song to perform at a Symposium this weekend.  The members of this club are some of the most driven and competent students I've met at the university.  They listen closely and act whole-heartedly.  I've been very impressed by the caliber of student I've seen both in the club, and in students who apply for the club.

As I talked to these women (and a few men)  I grew more and more excited about the people, their goals, and the values they were working to instill.  I had numerous conversations with leaders and colleagues about the upcoming year, planning out themes, leadership development, partnering with other institutions, and selecting a dynamic group of fascinating, young Chinese women.  I quickly found myself thinking, "I'd stay in China for this."

The Academy is eager to have an on-site coordinator, but at the moment there's no funding for the position.  After many more conversations and meetings I've worked out a plan that has potential.  At this moment, a friend and current teacher in the music department is helping me arrange an audition/interview with the head of the university's vocal department.  If he likes what he hears, I could potentially be hired to teach private voice full time next year.  There's also a slim chance that I could be hired to teach English again.  If one of those options work out, the Academy may supplement my salary in order to keep me on as a coordinator.

There are numerous loose ends to this 'plan.'  I wouldn't mention it at all, but I think prayer works.  The next week is full of hurdles for me: concerts, interviews, solos, grading, international travel arrangements, residence permit applications, resumé updates, proposals to write and important interactions with powerful people.  If you're a praying person, please pray for favor and clear guidance. If you're not a praying person, please cheer from afar!




*I'm not referring to an argument or feeling of anger.  Some elemental parts of Chinese culture flow perpendicularly to my personal convictions.  I've learned how to accept and function with the differences, but I'm not at peace with them.
** Link for more information:  http://globalinteractions.org/world-academy-for-the-future-of-women/

Unexpected Book-talk

Recently I stayed home with an sneak-attack of mild food poisoning.  I cancelled class and rehearsal, but forgot about a student meeting that I had in the evening.  After toughing through the meeting, I was headed upstairs when I saw one of my favorite students* chatting in a library next to a cafe.  I poked my head inside to say hello, and noticed that three students were circled about a Chinese-English Bible.

So during a time I least expected it, I joined a small group of students trying to wrap their brains around the ideas in the Bible.  The concepts they struggled with were amazingly logical: Are all of these stories true?  If we can do anything we set our minds to, why do we need God?  I have questions, so I guess I don't "believe."

I loved the fact that I was there to hear these questions, because too often these thoughts are shushed with cliche responses that don't really address the issues.  Here are a few of my thoughts about these questions....

Are all of these stories true?
Classic Answer: Yes.  
My answer: Which story?
Biblical authors weren't afraid of allegory, metaphor or illustrative narratives.  Some people say, 'But if you think the Bible can be metaphorical, you can explain away all difficult parts as metaphors!'  Um...no you can't.  If you refuse to consider the possible uses of literature, you choose to limit your understanding of the Bible.  Psalms! Proverbs!   The development of themes and motifs of the prophets!  Story-telling forms of the ancient Hebrews!  My answer to this questions is, "I believe the Bible is real. Some of the writings aren't literal.  Which one are you talking about?"

If we can do anything we set our minds to, why do we need God?
Classic Answer:  Sometimes we make mistakes or get discouraged, so we need God.
My Answer: We can't do anything we set our minds to.
One of the myths of Modernism is the idea that hard work and innovation enables humankind to accomplish anything!  Don't believe me?  Go to a graduation ceremony.**  Many people I know would say, 'I don't believe that.  Human beings have limitations.  We have spiritual and psychological needs that often can't be addressed through hard work or willpower.'  If you are one of those people, welcome to Post-Modernism!  I use the labels of Modernism and Post Modernism because I've actually heard people lament the death of Modernism.  Humans can accomplish great things, but we cannot solve all problems.  Let go of that pressure...it runs people into the ground.  When this question meets faith, we tend to treat God like a gift-giver.  Yes, He is Wonderful, Counselor, and Healer, but our need of Him isn't restricted to times of pain.  We don't need God to encourage us while we solve all of life's problems.  We need God because we are human, fallible, and limited, and that is often difficult for us to accept.***

I have questions, so I guess I don't "believe."
Classic Answer: Uh-oh, let's find the answers.****
My Answer:  Questions are okay.
When I was little, I was troubled by the questions I had about God.  I was talking to my mom one day while we were doing errands (I don't know if she remembers this), and she finally paused from what she was doing, looked at me, and said, "God can handle your questions, Emily.  You're not going to make Him mad."  I felt immediate relief that has encouraged me often throughout the years.  God gave us brains, critical thinking skills, and plenty of paradoxical teachings in the Bible if we're brave enough to see them.  I think God wants our hearts AND our minds.  We worship with our minds by addressing the questions we have, not by ignoring them.  I believe that if we use our questions to pursue the nature of God, them we're right where He wants us - chasing Him down!

I love Jesus, and I love teaching.  Tonight I had the opportunity of talking with a well-loved student who was really thinking about God.  I loved being able to validate her questions.  Having faith isn't about the absence of questions, it's about the pursuit of God through those questions.  I'm excited to talk with these students again!



*I'm a teacher, not a parent.  Favorites are allowed.
**I loathe graduation ceremonies.  However, the people I love tend to graduate from places.  If I've ever attended a graduation ceremony on your behalf, please recognize it as the great extension of my love for you.
***There are many reasons we need God. These are just a few pertinent examples.
****Sometimes questions arise simply from lack of Biblical knowledge.  In this instance, I'm referring to deeper questions.  Too often I hear Christians say, "We just can't understand that because we're human."  True, we are limited by our humanity, but God has embedded in us the desire to understand him (Ecclesiastes), and that desire should be encouraged.

That Kind of Thing

Today someone I really care about let me down a little.  We had made plans that were cancelled for very, very good reasons, but I was left waiting for an hour without knowing what was going on.  I knew that my friend's business was MUCH more important than my feelings, and that voicing my feelings would be a great unkindness given the circumstances.  My hurt was legitimate, but airing it would have been damaging to my friend.

But still - it was there.  Feeling taken for granted, a little neglected, and just....sad.

So I prayed about it.  For me, prayer often takes the form of letter-writing, usually for pages on end.  I sort out my feelings and often come to some kind of conclusion or perspective change.  This time I knew my perspective was good, but this nagging feeling...which made me feel a little silly.  About a paragraph into my writing, I said, "I just don't want this feeling anymore.  Could you take it away?  Do you do that kind of thing?"

Apparently He does.

I literally felt the sadness lift off of me, replaced, with peace and quiet joy.  I suppose I commonly associate sadness and disappointment with incorrect thinking, so instead of asking for release, I "work on" my perspective.  Sometimes sadness, disappointment, bad stuff just happen in spite of correct perspective and attitude.

This was a little thing, a simple thing, really.  I wanted to share it with all of you because it was a simple, pure gift from God given merely because I asked.  No prayer war, no soul-searching, or spiritual travail.  It was quiet and sweet.  And I'm glad.

Culture-Win

The following is an excerpt from a letter I wrote to a friend a couple weeks ago after an incredibly successful evening out with my students.


"I had a major 'culture-win' tonight.

Compared to the stories I hear from other teachers, I am incredibly blessed with amazing students. At the beginning of the year, skill and work ethic levels were all across the board. At this point of the year, all of my students follow me, almost all of them respect me, and many (maybe most?) of them like me. Except for ONE.

In my largest class, there are two stink butts*. One of them is completely disengaged 90% of the time, but she's respectful about it. The other one is AWFUL - heaving heavy sighs, rollings his eyes, laying his head on the desk, looking straight into my eyes and keeping his mouth closed when he's supposed to be practicing new sounds or words. Every student has a day when they're not learning well, but he's consistently a disrespectful jerk that I want to kick in the shins.** I've worked really hard to handle it in ways that don't make him lose face, because 1) if he's embarrassed, he'll shut me out. 2) If the class feels bad for him, they will ALL shut me out. After months of covert effort with moderate success, I finally hit a point yesterday where I felt like I was the one losing face by allowing him to treat me the way he does.

The way to handle conflict in China is to use a mediator to soften the blow. The way Americans (especially me) handle conflict is swift, clear confrontation. See the problem there? I hate involving a third party. Why make more drama than necessary? But my first goal is to create an environment that will help my students learn - their culture, their rules. So after class I invited my monitor (class leader) out to dinner tonight, told her vaguely that I wanted to discuss a couple of problems and invited her to bring a friend she trusted along. I didn't want her to feel too isolated. Chinese business meetings are 90% social exchanges, then a 10% business, usually at the end of a full meal. When I met my student that night, I saw she brought not one, but NINE STUDENTS from my class! I thought, 'Well....nevermind then. We'll just have fun.' Following tradition, we got a private room in a nice little restaurant, they gave me the honor seat (such a subtle, lovely nicety), and ate fantastic food. It was really fun to swap girl-talk with my students!

After we had finished, the monitor asked me what it was that I wanted to talk about. Then I realized that they were all aware of and completely ready to talk through the issues. I never mentioned the problem-student by name, but when described the problems, it it was obvious they knew who I was talking about. I said over and over that as a CLASS I was very pleased with them, but that I felt loss of face because of this one person's disrespect. What followed was an excellent and open conversation.

These 10 women are all committed, consistent students, and there are only 35 students in the whole class. I talked through my problem, described how I would approach it in America and my concern with the cultural conflict if I used the same tactics in China. They appeared to respect and appreciate the consideration, and they gave excellent feedback. I cannot explain how affected I was by the riveted attention and serious expressions on their faces. They were concerned WITH me about the problem, displaying an amazing level of maturity and invested care. I felt respected on a very deep level.

We exchanged ideas, and they laughed when they told me, "Back in the dorms, we talk about how smart you are about how you respond to people who don't listen very well and how you rearrange the classroom!" They also mentioned the overall positive change in attitude about class since the beginning of the year. We talked about activities that did and didn't work well. Luckily they were most critical about stupid activities that I was REQUIRED to teach! So I told them, "Yeah, I thought that was dumb too. My boss told me I had to teach this idea this way." We all laughed, and had a wonderful conversation about learning theory and how an activity that isn't helpful for one person can be very important for the learning of another person. I could see their worlds exploding a little bit - I love it when that happens!

An unrelated but meaningful part of the night were a couple of short, powerful conversations about how to recognize the difference between good and bad men. (Chinese college-aged girls have a reputation among the foreigners for being idealistic, naive, and uneducated about relationships. They idealize traditional male-female roles and they have no sex education. Many of my college-age students are sexually active, but they don't know how babies are made or what STD's are because it's taboo to talk about.) Many Chinese women are victims of physical abuse. We talked about the personality traits of good men, how to see them, which kinds of men to avoid. They were so attentive - I could see that some of them had only talked about it once or twice, and many of them not at all.

After dinner we took a walk through the park holding hands (yes, I've expanded my cultural comfort-bubble to accept holding hands with a woman), learning words in Chinese and telling stories. We made plans to go to KTV (a karaoke chain), ride bikes to the mountain, and go pick strawberries.

I feel like this was an all-around complete "culture win." I had a problem, stepped out of my cultural comfort-zone, followed Chinese protocol, and won the respect of my students. They felt empowered to speak openly and wholly considered a perspective very different from their own. Now all I have to do is show that I've truly heard their feedback, which won't be difficult at all. Even if the stinker student completely flies off the handle, I know that a third of my class made of the best, most vocal students will see it as a temper tantrum instead of a reaction to an "offensive foreigner." They will be supporting ME. There was so much potential for things to go badly tonight, but I took the time, did it right, and it really paid off.

It was such a rich, rewarding experience. It was one of those times that remind me just how much my students matter to me."

I still prefer direct communication, but I'm proud that I was able to relate with my students in the way they needed me to.

*Stink-butt is a technical teacher-term

**I've never actually tried this

In the Eye

When I was in college, I took a conducting class where my classmates and I took turns teaching and conducting.  My most vivid memory of this class was the discussion following one of my teaching segments.  The lesson had gone well, and my teacher joined me at the front of the room.  He looked intensely and powerfully into my eyes, and said"Nicole*, your power is right here," as he put his finger firmly against my temple, pointing at my eyes.  My expression didn't change, but all I could think at that moment was,

'My teacher is touching my face.'

My classmates started to giggle as my teacher removed the illustrative finger and explained.  "Your power is right there, in your eyes.  This is your best classroom management tool.  I'd be really afraid to cross those eyes."  Some of my classmates were still giggling, so I immediately shot them a really intense teacher-look (which is sisters with "the mom-look") and burst out laughing when they immediately jumped back and stopped laughing.

I keep this little insight in the back of my mind as I experiment with different classroom management techniques.  He was absolutely right; 90% of the time I manage my class solely with my eyeballs.  It's especially true in China, where my eyes are 21/2 times larger than everyone else's and a strikingly different color.  Sometimes I shoot a look at my class and they gasp out loud, or switch from distracted talking to pin-drop silence in seconds, and all I want to do is laugh and yell "RAWR!!"

And sometimes I do.  My students laugh with me, but they're still just a liiiiiittle bit afraid.  Just enough for the LOOK to be effective.  I guess it just proves that 'the power is in the eye of the teacher.'




*At the time, we had an indecent number of girls named Emily in the music department, so I went by my middle name, Nicole.                                                                                                                                                

Not Dead

Hello friends and family!  First of all, I want to take a moment and assure you,

I AM NOT DEAD.

Secondly, I apologize for the gigantic pause I took between posts.  There are a few reasons.  Wait wait - here, lists are more impressive:

• I took a vacation.  For a month.  Worth every second.
• We started a new term of school, and working legitimately eats up a fair amount of time.
• God and I had a couple things to talk through.
• I had to decide whether or not to return to China, and my thoughts were all over the board.  It was consuming a lot of my thinking, and I decided that it was a private process.
• I still haven't settled on what my plan for next year is.  I feel like a high school senior who hasn't picked a college or made a plan yet - in that awkward phase when every friendly person asks you what you're going to do next year, and you struggle to come up with something more eloquent than, "Uhhh...."
• During my vacation, I met a friend who loves writing as much as I do.  Correspondence became my primary writing outlet.  Basically I've been cheating on my blog with my pen-pal. I apologize.  It's nothing personal.
• I felt guilty about my failure to blog, so I avoided it even more.  Then my mom told me that my Papa put in a personal request that I start writing again.  (Sorry Papa!!)
• Expressing 'in-the-moment' feelings of culture shock isn't always constructive.
• I've been lazy.

If you were to flip through a lifetime of my journals (please don't) you'd see that every time I stop writing for a few months, I have to explain why.  This is the first time that OTHER people have cared! I have to admit, the fact that people read this still feels a little unreal.  If you bother to follow my life and times,* send me a comment every once in a while so I know you're real!  It's so encouraging when I hear from you.

I have so many stories to tell, stories about my vacation, about students, pollution storms, acupuncture, haggling wars...  I'm sorry for being a lame blogger lately.  More to come soon!

*I was typing fast when I wrote this sentence, and my typos read 'lies and ties,' which is really funny!!  ...and not at all reflective of a secret agenda. =)

Return to Xinzheng

It's February 11th in General Santos, and it's time for my trip to end....