November: A Month of Intercession

This year, I've dedicated the month of November to intercession.

I love teaching.  I believe it's the work God has put before me.  Working abroad has been wonderful, challenging, and life-changing.  Though I feel my time in China is drawing to a close, I don't know if God is pulling me back to the United States or not.  I'm considering many places and options, including Ukraine, Brazil, Oregon, Dubai, and Palestine.  I have many ideas about the changes in store for my life and my career, but I want my decisions to be grounded in God's will and direction.

I believe prayer works, and I believe it works even better in company.  During the month of November, I would love to have a prayer partner every day as I prepare and apply for work around the world.  Please consider joining and supporting me in prayer as I research and prepare for the next leg of my journey!

If you're able to join me, please comment on this post to tell me your name,* and which day you're committed to.  A red 'X' marks days that people are praying.

*All comments are submitted for approval.  For the sake of privacy, names will be removed before the comments are published.

Things I Forgot I Love About China

• The Chinese are the nicest people in the world.  Chinese people are really great at living in large groups.  They avoid conflict like the plague, which means that you never hear, "No offense, but..." or "In my opinion..." and rarely is there a pointed comment.  They also bend over backwards to communicate accurately with you, random strangers extend themselves to help you, and they smile all the time.  It's just so nice!
• Cicadas.  The sound of these insects remind me of promises of restoration, the passing of seasons and hope.  Every time I hear them, I'm encouraged that there is a future ahead.
• Students turning in papers.  (This IS actually specific to China.)  When students turn in papers, they're obsessively neat about it.  They're always face-up, stacked in the same direction.  American students might try throwing their homework in the general area of the turn-in basket.  If you ask, Chinese students will even organize their homework according to their student numbers.  Grading bliss!
• Squattie-potties.  Ergonomically satisfying.  The End.*
• A stranger in a crowd.  There are different kinds of anonymity in your home country and in a foreign country.  In America, I'm no one special, and I blend in without question.  However, anyone at any point in time might start up a conversation.  In China, I'm ALWAYS a novelty, but rarely does anyone initiate a conversation with me.  I can be surrounded on all sides by hundreds of people, and be socially alone.  It's kind of nice in a way.  I'm present and involved in the community, but my thoughts and reflections are free to roam wherever they want.  It's nice.
• My coffee people.  There's a cafe in my building that I frequent often.  The people there are just fantastic, and I consider them personal friends.  They seemed just as excited to see me as I was to see them, even though I've only bought one cup of coffee so far.... Points to me for kicking a habit!
• Common touch.  People are always bumping into one another here.  This was something I absolutely hated when I first got to China, but now I love it.  It says, 'You're one of the crowd, you belong here.'
• Attentive listening.  When a Chinese person is interested in what you're saying.  They lock their eyes on your face and don't hardly move.  They are completely engrossed in your words and try to suck all possible meaning from it.  It's amazingly respectful and refreshing.
• Common sense problem-solving.  "Oh, you want this kind of cell phone case, with that kind of wrap?  Here, I'll glue it together."  ...that fix was way too easy to have occurred to me.
• FOOD.  American food is awesome, but there are some things that will simply never be the same unless you buy it from that one vendor one that one street corner.

*Pun really really intended

A Student Letter

I hate grading.  It's late, I'm exhausted, but I have a stack of about 80 notebooks to review before I'm allowed to sleep.  I just opened the first book and read this:

"Dear Emily,
I'm glad to become your student.  You are so beautiful and lovely.  I like you very much.  I had no confidence before.  But you like a sun and sunshine, let me have a little confidence."

Aww - I'm like sunshine!  How could I resist smiling at that?  Okay, I can do this.  79 to go...

Re-Entry

If ever I take a break from writing, I feel compelled to explain myself when I resume.

On August 26, I flew back to China via LA and Seoul.  Somehow I managed to get over jet-lag within a week, and threw myself into faculty meetings and preparations for the year.  It's amazing how much easier life is this year.  I know where things are, I know how to interact with people I can't talk to, and the culture shock is, well, less shocking.  Surprises are amusing instead of mind-boggling, and I have a better understanding how to balance the expending and recharging of my time and energy.  In addition, I've lost 30 pounds since August!  Sounds like life's been pretty good, right?  Yay for me!

So this is what I've been telling people.  All of it is true.  But that's not what's truly been consuming my energy, thoughts and heart.

A week before I left America, I experienced a significant personal loss.  The blow was unexpected and savage, shredding me in ways that I haven't felt in years.*  My fingertips were numb for days, but the rest of me wouldn't stop feeling.  Goodbyes were stunted as I threw what little energy I had into packing for another year abroad.**  Those closest to me took turns caring for me, encouraging me, or explaining how it would all be "worth it in the long run."  Days blurred, and I kissed my family goodbye, and flew away from everything.

And then the Nothing.  The loss, the Nothing, with its immense, commanding presence, came with me. 

Every day I've looked at Nothing and responded.  I've wished that I could quit, but quitting has never been an option for me.  How can I?  Life moves, and I don't have the choice to stand still.  It feels like playing Halo with my brother.***  There's nothing I muck up quite so thoroughly as playing Halo with my brother.  He's patient with me, but usually ends up laughing as my solider moves around in circles, shoots at the sky, or runs into a wall repeatedly as he gets shot.  I'm proud when I can walk my character in a straight line, and ecstatic when he does what I intended him to do.  That's how I've felt for the past two months.  I look at Nothing, and try.  Sometimes I end up huddled against a wall, trying to remember how to turn around before I get shot.  Other times I walk in a straight line and duck when I need to.  Unlike Halo, I can't opt out of this game with Nothing.

I'm stubborn.  I get frustrated being stuck in this place that I don't want to be in, tired of the colors in my world being dimmed.  God knows all things, but I don't.  Sometimes it makes me angry that He leaves me out of the loop, even when logic tells me that it may be for my benefit.  He's been patient with my frustration, leading me when I'm able to bear it, and not before.  Look out for more on that in future posts.

It's been a grim season.  I've learned that faith doesn't always feel sustaining, and that trusting doesn't always encourage the heart.  One can trust and hurt.  One can have faith and suffer.  For the past two months, I've vacillated between wanting to hide inside myself, and wanting the world to understand how deeply this struck.  My experience as a performer has been invaluable; I'm experienced at boxing up and setting aside my feelings to achieve a task, even if it feels unnatural.  Much has felt unnatural these past weeks.  It's only been in this last week that I feel like I'm coming back to myself a bit.

When I first re-entered China, I thought often about how I needed to update my blog.  For the first three weeks, the idea of writing made my hands drop heavily to my sides.  I can't lie here.  It's one thing to wear a smile for a stranger, and it's another thing to write with shallow happiness.  For me, to write is to create Something, and my Nothing was too agonizingly vivid.  I write now to re-enter my writing world, to create again.  It may not be pretty, but I have to start somewhere.

To all my dear friends who will be concerned on my behalf: I'm not alone here, just choosing a little quiet space.  Many good things have happened in the past two months that have encouraged and uplifted me.  I'm not going to break. :)

*To the person I lost: I still exist.  Your silence is so very loud.

**If I failed to REALLY say goodbye to you, I apologize whole-heartedly.  It was due to my pain, not to the lack of affection I feel for my friends.

***My brother and I do a weird variety of really enjoyable stuff so we can spend time together.  Sometimes that includes late-night happy hour after 8-hr shifts, running errands across the city, picking out weird instruments in a soundtrack, or cooking really great food.

Home for the Summer!

It's 12:15am of the day I leave China.  I'm ready to  collapse in bed for a few hours of sleep, but I didn't feel like I could leave without writing one more post.

This last week has been incredibly difficult for me - no, not pain from leaving China.  Back pain!  I was packing last Tuesday when I threw out my back in the most painful way I've ever experienced.  The past six days have included multiple trips to the hospital, capsules containing 'artificial tiger bone', and the help of countless friends.  I'm not new to back pain, but I've never experienced it to this extent.  My community here truly outdid themselves on my behalf.  People brought me food, helped me stand and walk, did my laundry, paid my phone bill, scoured the building for American medicine - one friend even helped me pack one of my suitcases!  While I can't say I'd choose it again, it was still really amazing to see how everyone pulled together - for me.  Not a bad way to go.

An interesting side affect was how my immobility affected my stress level.  Because I had to limit what I lifted and how I moved, I obsess over every detail of packing and cleaning like I typically do before a trip.  I had a solid dose of 'It is what it is' attitude.  So my house is immaculately clean.  So what?  It'll get dusty over the course of the summer anyways.  I do have to say though, it's perfectly tidy.  Perfectly.

As I finished my last project (a calendar to put in my carry-on) I cleaned off my desk, and organized my papers.  I opened a box of letters that friends gave me as I left last fall.  I read over them, and was surprised to find how encouraging they were here at the end of the year.  The last few weeks have been focused on reviewing the year, sizing up strengths and weaknesses, and making a game plan for next year.  After all that critique, it was wonderful to re-read those affirmations.  Never underestimate the power of a good letter!

It was also fun to realize that I will see these people in a matter of days!  Warning:  I'm a long hugger.  AND my hugging needs haven't been met for 10 months.  So - here I come!!

Wonderful Water

After sleeping for 31/2 hours, I taught three classes and managed to eat dinner before collapsing on my sofa.  I was covered with a fine layer of China-grit, my legs and stomach ached, and my noses-knowses-my-toeses-weren't-roses.  My living room bore the wreckage of Hurricane Semester-Grades, but I tried to ignore it as I zoned out on my computer, chatting with a friend.

I decided that putting China-grit in my bed was an option too disgusting to consider.  I maneuvered around dirty dishes and piles of laundry* to flip on my hot water, weeping inwardly over my lack of a bathtub.  Then I remembered that I had hot water.  Not just hot water, but a hot water TANK, which I inherited (for free) when I moved into my apartment.  Having a tank means that I can have hot water whenever I want it, and I don't run out.  Then I thought about how I had finished my grades on time without feeling stressed out or having to run to class.  Of course, I HAD to finish them early because I had a morning Skype-date with a friend in Portland.

And then I had a mocha.
Then a student checked up on me after class because I seemed down. (Tired.)
Then talked with another friend in Chile after my classes.
While I was drinking an imported beverage.
Then I streamed a TV show. (Because I have the best wifi signal in our apartment building.)
A TV show in English.

These thoughts were running through my head, and before I realized it, I was singing along with the radio, thanks to technology, awesome wifi, and companies who think that music should be free.  And to top it off, a friend gave me a water dispenser this week.  I put down a one-time, refundable $6.50 deposit.  I now have access to free filtered water delivered to my door for as long as I want.  Things that are the norm in America just....aren't a guarantee in other countries.  I'm not being sarcastic or dramatic when I say that I'm really excited that I can fill my water bottle before class without having to boil water, ask for water from a tea shop, or wait 3 minutes as the machine in the cafeteria fills my bottle one drop at a time.  I have water - hot water in my shower, and clean water in my bottle.  I have access to international friends, music, entertainment, and I live in China, engaging in life through a completely new venue with people that I really enjoy.

I'm still exhausted.  I still want a bathtub and a cheeseburger.  But I have to say, my life is pretty awesome.


*I'm not typically a slob, but at the end of the term housework is low on my list of priorities.

Picking up the Pace

An excerpt from an email to a friend.

She said: "Hey, what's up with you?"

I said:

Hey.
- Grades.
- Final Reviews.
- Meetings about MORE employment next year.
- I met the UN head of Women's issues for the country of Morocco. She's going to connect me with the UN Director of NGOs in Palestine.
- Applying for a professional Fulbright Grant to do research.
- Considering getting a second Masters next year in sociology.
- I think I have a new mentor - a fascinating French Canadian woman who studied the rise/fall of the women's movement in the M.E. We had an immediate connection.
- And hey, I mentioned grading and finals, right? Ugh, stress.
- Still no airplane tickets. If there's no improvement, I'm buying a kayak.

There are sooooo many things going on right now, fascinating things, exciting things, motivational things, ALL-THE-THINGS!  I have two partially written posts explaining what's been going on.  I hope to have a full-ish report to give you all by this weekend.

The Future

I miss school. Being IN school. Maybe I just miss the structure of having someone tell me EXACTLY how to go about doing my work, or maybe I miss having colleagues hold me accountable to an extremely high standard. Or the smell of new books or the energy of a college hallway. Which sounds ridiculous considering that I work AT a college. Someday I'll go back. Someday when I have money and know which PhD program I want. When I get there, I will have paid off all my loans, acquired the perfect body and a sailboat that I will be able to sail successfully on my own across multiple hemispheres. I'll be finishing my final draft of a book, which I'll write to satisfy the requests of my blog followers. In my mind's eye, I have the perfect haircut and a grey power-suit with a pencil skirt that never wrinkles. Wonderfully cultured men will vie for my attention, but I don't have time for them. The choirs I teach will perfectly incorporate indigenous instruments from whatever culture I live in. My compositions will be highly sought after, and the concerts I conduct will move people to tears. (In a good way.) Every morning will begin with yoga, a cup of tea, and a good book. Powerful people will listen to my opinions respectfully, and I'll build schools for forgotten people in unfathomable places. In fact, the UN will be grooming me to work in a position developing international educational systems, but I may opt to be a professor at my alma mater instead. I'll have some kind of absurd pet, like a skunk or a monkey or a lemur named either Sylvia or Charles. And I will never sweat. I think I'll get there in the next 10 years.

The future is a good place.

In other news, I'll be returning to China next year.

Sweeping Change of Plans

The past three days have been a whirlwind of meetings, ideas, and a striking change of plans.

A couple of months ago, I decided that I would not return to China next year.  There were a number of reasons, but the most pertinent factors were position (I should be teaching music, not English), salary (American sized-debt needs American-sized salary), and a couple of core-level culture clashes.*

This weekend I was invited to be a part of an interview team for the World Academy for the Future of Women.**  It's possible that I'll be writing more about this organization in the future.  For now, I'll just say that it's a club focused on propagating confident and effect women in leadership positions.  Besides interviews, I'm also teaching the club members a song to perform at a Symposium this weekend.  The members of this club are some of the most driven and competent students I've met at the university.  They listen closely and act whole-heartedly.  I've been very impressed by the caliber of student I've seen both in the club, and in students who apply for the club.

As I talked to these women (and a few men)  I grew more and more excited about the people, their goals, and the values they were working to instill.  I had numerous conversations with leaders and colleagues about the upcoming year, planning out themes, leadership development, partnering with other institutions, and selecting a dynamic group of fascinating, young Chinese women.  I quickly found myself thinking, "I'd stay in China for this."

The Academy is eager to have an on-site coordinator, but at the moment there's no funding for the position.  After many more conversations and meetings I've worked out a plan that has potential.  At this moment, a friend and current teacher in the music department is helping me arrange an audition/interview with the head of the university's vocal department.  If he likes what he hears, I could potentially be hired to teach private voice full time next year.  There's also a slim chance that I could be hired to teach English again.  If one of those options work out, the Academy may supplement my salary in order to keep me on as a coordinator.

There are numerous loose ends to this 'plan.'  I wouldn't mention it at all, but I think prayer works.  The next week is full of hurdles for me: concerts, interviews, solos, grading, international travel arrangements, residence permit applications, resumé updates, proposals to write and important interactions with powerful people.  If you're a praying person, please pray for favor and clear guidance. If you're not a praying person, please cheer from afar!




*I'm not referring to an argument or feeling of anger.  Some elemental parts of Chinese culture flow perpendicularly to my personal convictions.  I've learned how to accept and function with the differences, but I'm not at peace with them.
** Link for more information:  http://globalinteractions.org/world-academy-for-the-future-of-women/

Unexpected Book-talk

Recently I stayed home with an sneak-attack of mild food poisoning.  I cancelled class and rehearsal, but forgot about a student meeting that I had in the evening.  After toughing through the meeting, I was headed upstairs when I saw one of my favorite students* chatting in a library next to a cafe.  I poked my head inside to say hello, and noticed that three students were circled about a Chinese-English Bible.

So during a time I least expected it, I joined a small group of students trying to wrap their brains around the ideas in the Bible.  The concepts they struggled with were amazingly logical: Are all of these stories true?  If we can do anything we set our minds to, why do we need God?  I have questions, so I guess I don't "believe."

I loved the fact that I was there to hear these questions, because too often these thoughts are shushed with cliche responses that don't really address the issues.  Here are a few of my thoughts about these questions....

Are all of these stories true?
Classic Answer: Yes.  
My answer: Which story?
Biblical authors weren't afraid of allegory, metaphor or illustrative narratives.  Some people say, 'But if you think the Bible can be metaphorical, you can explain away all difficult parts as metaphors!'  Um...no you can't.  If you refuse to consider the possible uses of literature, you choose to limit your understanding of the Bible.  Psalms! Proverbs!   The development of themes and motifs of the prophets!  Story-telling forms of the ancient Hebrews!  My answer to this questions is, "I believe the Bible is real. Some of the writings aren't literal.  Which one are you talking about?"

If we can do anything we set our minds to, why do we need God?
Classic Answer:  Sometimes we make mistakes or get discouraged, so we need God.
My Answer: We can't do anything we set our minds to.
One of the myths of Modernism is the idea that hard work and innovation enables humankind to accomplish anything!  Don't believe me?  Go to a graduation ceremony.**  Many people I know would say, 'I don't believe that.  Human beings have limitations.  We have spiritual and psychological needs that often can't be addressed through hard work or willpower.'  If you are one of those people, welcome to Post-Modernism!  I use the labels of Modernism and Post Modernism because I've actually heard people lament the death of Modernism.  Humans can accomplish great things, but we cannot solve all problems.  Let go of that pressure...it runs people into the ground.  When this question meets faith, we tend to treat God like a gift-giver.  Yes, He is Wonderful, Counselor, and Healer, but our need of Him isn't restricted to times of pain.  We don't need God to encourage us while we solve all of life's problems.  We need God because we are human, fallible, and limited, and that is often difficult for us to accept.***

I have questions, so I guess I don't "believe."
Classic Answer: Uh-oh, let's find the answers.****
My Answer:  Questions are okay.
When I was little, I was troubled by the questions I had about God.  I was talking to my mom one day while we were doing errands (I don't know if she remembers this), and she finally paused from what she was doing, looked at me, and said, "God can handle your questions, Emily.  You're not going to make Him mad."  I felt immediate relief that has encouraged me often throughout the years.  God gave us brains, critical thinking skills, and plenty of paradoxical teachings in the Bible if we're brave enough to see them.  I think God wants our hearts AND our minds.  We worship with our minds by addressing the questions we have, not by ignoring them.  I believe that if we use our questions to pursue the nature of God, them we're right where He wants us - chasing Him down!

I love Jesus, and I love teaching.  Tonight I had the opportunity of talking with a well-loved student who was really thinking about God.  I loved being able to validate her questions.  Having faith isn't about the absence of questions, it's about the pursuit of God through those questions.  I'm excited to talk with these students again!



*I'm a teacher, not a parent.  Favorites are allowed.
**I loathe graduation ceremonies.  However, the people I love tend to graduate from places.  If I've ever attended a graduation ceremony on your behalf, please recognize it as the great extension of my love for you.
***There are many reasons we need God. These are just a few pertinent examples.
****Sometimes questions arise simply from lack of Biblical knowledge.  In this instance, I'm referring to deeper questions.  Too often I hear Christians say, "We just can't understand that because we're human."  True, we are limited by our humanity, but God has embedded in us the desire to understand him (Ecclesiastes), and that desire should be encouraged.